Can't Move On
by TurboWiz70
Summary: A story of burying the hatchet and rediscovering what was lost. One-shot. Read, review, enjoy!


Before you read this one-shot, I must warn you that this is slightly depressing (you've been warned). This is from Clare's POV between "Not Ready to Make Nice" and "Need You Now". She's over Jake, but how does she feel once Eli and Imogen get together? Title and quotes from the song "Can't Move On" by Automatic Loveletter. Read, review, enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or anything Automatic Loveletter related

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Can't Move On

Everyone who passes me by assumes that I'm fine, that I have everything figured out; they don't know how wrong they are. They saw me walking through the halls of Degrassi, believing I was alright and nothing was bothering me. On the contrary, I had never felt so confused in my life.

Unfortunately, I only had two people who I could go to right now: Jake and Adam. But I couldn't even rely on them these days. Being my stepbrother, Jake and I had finally gotten over our feelings for each other and learned to live civilly; despite our new relationship, I found it difficult to come to him about this current issue I was having, considering he was my ex. And I couldn't go to Adam; he was dedicating his time to recovering from the shooting and participating in his physical therapy, plus he would probably convince me to put my feelings to rest.

At Degrassi, I had the reputation of being the girl who wanted to sleep with her stepbrother, so no one wanted to help me; unfortunately, I could not deny it since it was true. Alli still hated me – and part of me still hated her – and my mom was still in the honeymoon phase with Glen to pay any attention to my problems. I was basically alone.

I had no idea what to do. I was lost, confused, and, in a strange way, relieved that I could feel this way again. I have not had an emotion like this since before Jake and I started dating and, since our breakup, I was worried that I would not be able to feel this way about anyone ever again.

I was now sitting on my bed, looking through a cardboard box that I usually kept in my closet. I had not looked at the contents that lie within since I packed it at the beginning of spring break. The more pictures I gazed at and the more memories that came back, the more horrible I felt about the breakup that really changed two lives.

I wished I didn't stand him up at the bench on the night of the dance. I wish I didn't break up with him over the phone. Overall, I wish I was there to help. Maybe then he would've gotten better faster, neither of us would've hurt so much, and maybe then we could've remained friends.

I looked through the box and everything that reminded me of Eli was in there. His headphones, some pictures of us, a copy of _Stalker Angel_, a few love notes he put in my locker, and the earring that I got when we got our matching piercings. I bit my lip as I looked through all of this, trying to hold back my tears.

I hated myself right now. We broke up for a reason and I wish that we ended better, but then I wouldn't have met Jake, who I loved. And I loved Eli.

Loved. Past tense. A feeling that is supposed to stay behind in the past.

But it isn't in the past. It's here and now . . . and now I 'm having feelings for the person who I thought was right to leave. But now he's doing better, his meds are under control, and he's seeing a therapist; because of that, I've started to see the guy that I fell in love with and my feelings came around for the first time in months.

I see him every day. We have the same English class again this year, but we hardly speak. We're more like strangers now; which is painful, considering I thought our friendship could blossom again. I tried making conversation with him once, but he barely reciprocated and left as soon as possible. Adam told me that word got out that I was thinking about kissing him in the woods just to get back at Jake. He told me that Eli was furious once he heard about that. I don't blame him; if Jake had done that to me to get back at his ex, I would've been enraged as well. I regret even considering that; it wasn't fair on Jake and it definitely wasn't fair on Eli. Now, because of that stupid mistake, I had lost him forever. All my hopes of being with him again were gone.

He was with Imogen now and he seemed happy. Extremely happy, in fact. I envied her. She got to kiss Eli's lips, sit in his room, hold his hands, everything I used to do.

Then it hit me: this was exactly how Eli felt when I was with Jake. He hated that someone he had feelings for – someone he loved – was with someone else, not daring to look back at what pain the other had or caring that they were on the breaking point.

I then knew that I had to do something that I should've done long ago. I got up and retrieved my laptop. I sat on my floor, considering my bed was covered in memories too wonderful to think about, and logged on to my email. I then went to _Compose Message_ and began typing every thought that existed in my head.

_Eli,_

_I know this may come as a surprise, but I need to talk to you and this is the only way I know how. I should've done this a long time ago, but now I'm hoping that you'll accept it now nonetheless._

_I'm sorry I__hurt you. And I don't just mean from when I broke up with you or for leaving the hospital, although I'm sorry for those too. I'm sorry I pushed our relationship to the side like it was nothing and started dating Jake not long after our breakup; that must not have been easy for you to see. I want to let you know that moving on quickly didn't mean that our relationship meant nothing to me. I don't know how it happened, but I was attracted to Jake __and I felt something familiar with him and I wanted things to be a bit normal again._

_I'm sorry for thinking about kissing you in the woods over the summer. There is no excuse for that. I'm really, really, really sorry. That was probably the worst thing I could've done, considering we were becoming friends again, and I'm sorry._

_I meant what I said months ago when I said I still wanted us to be friends. I mean it then and I mean it now, even though I kind of messed that up for us. I'm really, really, really, really sorry, Eli. I can't say that enough and I know I should keep saying to you until the end of the world, because that's how much you deserve it._

_If you still want us to, I won't mind being friends again. I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me someday._

_-Clare_

Without really thinking about what I was doing and letting my heart take control, I clicked _Send_.

()()

"_You're stuck in the moment _

_When you thought you were rolling _

_But you can't move on"_

()()

Proud that I had the guts to send that email, I packed away all the items on my bed and continued with my day. I felt confident, impressed with myself for getting all of those emotions out. I even felt relieved that this dark cloud that had been hovering over me had disappeared.

That feeling lasted an hour.

I just got done having dinner with Glen, Mom, and Jake and I got back to my room, took one glance at my laptop, and realized what I had done.

I sent a message to Eli.

_Why did I do that?_

I cursed myself inwardly, dashing to my laptop and logging on as quickly as possible. I did not know what I was going to do when I got to my email, but I discovered that nothing I thought of would've mattered.

I had a message in my inbox . . . a message from Eli.

I gulped, my hands shaking, my head spinning, and my heart pumping so fast that it hurt. I trembled, breathing heavily through my nose to keep myself from vomiting. Knowing that it was not going to go away until I read the email, I clicked on it, terrified instantly by what his words could say.

_Clare_

_Better late than never. Thanks your apologies and everything mean a lot. However, I owe you a few apologies of my own. Sorry for scaring you, sorry for using our lives in the play, sorry for trying to break up you and Jake, and sorry for doing everything that led to our breakup. Looking back, I see that there were so many things I could've done differently, but I didn't. If I could change it, I would, but I can't. Plus, if I didn't, you wouldn't have been with Jake and I wouldn't have been with Imogen. I guess we were both happy in the end._

_As for us being friends again, I would love to. And, don't worry, I won't do anything to scare you away this time._

_See you at school._

_Eli_

Tears had been going down my face since he started his apologies. By the time I finished reading, it was as the Niagara Falls had taken residence on my face.

_I guess we were both happy in the end._

I was not happy in the end! I'm heartbroken and longing for someone I lost!

I guess that's what I get; karma has given me a good hand, but I played it and now I have to deal with the new cards and I have.

He was happy. That was important. I was happy while I was with Jake and he was miserable. Now it's my turn to stand in the shadows and watch him be happy with someone else. I guess I owe him that much; if Imogen makes him happy, then there was nothing I can do. I knew how it felt to be in a relationship while someone else was there as a shadow all the while, so I was not going to cross that line . . . not that I blame Eli for crossing it.

I wanted to believe that this was not the end for me and Eli, not romantically. I wanted to believe that fate would find us again and we could give each other a second chance. But now was not the time to even consider dreaming of that. We were finally rebuilding our friendship again and it was not the time to take risks.

When – _if_ we're both ever single again, maybe I'll tell him how I really feel. Maybe then he'll understand and, hopefully, he'll feel the same way. And, maybe then, we'll be able to conquer our past and move on together once again.

()()

"_You feel like you're able to live past the moment _

_You can't move on"_

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I, honestly, have NO idea where this came from. I was just at school and started to write and I kept writing whenever I could throughout the day. I'll admit, this is not my best, but it's not my worst and it got the creative juices flowing! Reviews please?


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